The Problem with Problem-Solving

I talk to people all the time about communication, in individual, family, and couples’ therapy.  One thing that comes up time and time again is people feeling unseen, unheard, invalidated when others jump in with solutions to problems when all the hurt, angry, confused, etc. person wants is for someone to listen.  I’m guilty sometimes of jumping in to solve a problem when a logical solution is not the antidote to someone’s dissatisfaction or pain.  We ALL do this.  Offering solutions can make us feel helpful, smart, insightful.  We think, maybe I can tie this problem up with a neat little bow and we can both move on!  But ugh, think of how bad this feels when you’re on the other end of this exchange and when you’re not looking for a bow. 

Recently, I had a frustrating experience navigating a customer service issue.  I spent so much time on the phone, mostly growling “representative!” to the automated system, and never getting the answers that I was seeking.  The story I was telling myself was that the company I was dealing with had made many mistakes that had led to the problem I was trying to solve… AND they had intentionally set up an automated system that would never give me a representative!  I had some ideas for what next steps to take, and I didn’t need any more.  But what I did crave was someone to hear and share my irritation.  The automated system, after all, never seemed to hear me.  No validation there. I shared the situation with a friend, who got completely on board- “yeah! That is super annoying!” etc. etc.  Indeed! I felt validated.  I calmed down.  The next day, I took some of the steps I had come up with to resolve the problem.  As it turned out… I am the one, not the company, that had made an error that had led to the problems I was having.  I bashfully shared this with my friend, who responded, “I’m always on your side and I was never going to say this, but I’d wondered if you’d made a mistake.”  This really made me laugh.  He had faith that I’d figure out the problem (even if it was my own doing) and knew that all I’d needed in that moment was to feel like someone was there to hear me.

 Next time someone expresses a problem to you, try to hear them out, express curiosity, and validate their emotions and experiences when you can.  It’s often more helpful to sit with someone in their emotion, uncomfortable though it feels sometimes to do so, than to try to solve a problem for them.  Sure, you can ask, “would you like my thoughts on this?” or “can I give you some feedback?” but respect their preference if they say “no.”